The same thing is true with men asking women on dates. They fear they are signaling interest in marriage, rather than just a chance to get to know someone better.

This makes going out on a date more burdened than it needs to be. Instead of just a social outing with a friend you are getting to know, each date becomes an audition for marriage. Young single adults think they have to move fast and know quickly.

It is about finding someone who loves the Lord and wants to grow with you, because you have already been growing together

In some ways, this is surely a response for young Latter-day Saints of understanding that marriage is important, but on the other hand, ironically, this idea is a huge impediment to marriage actually happening.

You cannot know someone until you’ve spent some time with them-and early dates should not be an audition for marriage. When young singles think they are, they become terribly stressed and date much less.

You can date someone many times whom you don’t marry. It is difficult to know anyone well whom you haven’t spent a great deal of time with.

Because marriage matters so much to us in the gospel, every one has an eye on the young single adults to see if they are dating and progressing in relationships

This sense of needing to move fast and know quickly also tends Vulcan women dating toward another ill. That is creating a checklist for what someone should be in order to be your marriage partner.

After all, if after the first few dates, people are expected somehow to know if this is about marriage, then short cuts are taken. Instead of knowing someone’s heart and mind, it is easy to revert to the checklist.

The problem with checklists, too, is that they reflect perfectionism. All of us are human, flawed, and growing. None is ideal. But we human, flawed people are looking for an ideal mannequin.

Marriage is about loving someone else’s very being, about understanding their impulses, about respecting their choices, about having enough shared experiences that you want to continue doing this for an eternity.

The checklist is artificially created and includes qualities one supposes one wants in a spouse. The items on a checklist are about things that one can see superficially.

Check list items might include looks, weight, grades, charm, even hair color. (Is she blonde?) Check lists might mean you miss the person who is your friend who is standing right by you.

One young woman accepted a date from a young man that she didn’t think was her type. He didn’t fit her checklist. Then she found on the first date that they got along so well, that they laughed much and could talk about anything. That sense only grew as they continued to date. She looks at him in a way now, that she would never have supposed, had she not be open to dating him. She has thrown away her checklist.

The other problem with check lists is that they tend to make people ever searching, thinking there might be a better one out there. Even when they are dating someone they really enjoy, they ask themselves, “Is this the best I can do? Is there someone else out there who fits my checklist better?”

We asked one young man how his dating life was going with a particular girl. He brightened and told us that he really liked her, but then said with a touch of dismay, “but she has a puppy. I don’t think I could live with a puppy.”

There’s a scientific law that is worth remembering here. It is called observer effect-and that is the theory that simply observing a situation or phenomenon changes that situation.